At Regather, we’ve gone purple for the month of May in support of Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Month.

We do this with a clear understanding: domestic and family violence is rarely simple.

It is not always one visible incident. It is not always physical. It is not always easy to name from the outside. And it is rarely solved by telling someone to “just leave”.

Domestic and family violence can sit underneath and around a person’s life in many ways: coercive control, fear, isolation, financial abuse, technology-facilitated abuse, trauma responses, parenting complexity, housing stress, mental health impacts, and barriers to feeling safe or heard.

That context matters.

Context changes everything.

Safety note: This article discusses domestic and family violence and coercive control. If you are in immediate danger in Australia, call 000. If it is not safe to use your own phone or device, consider using a trusted person’s device. For confidential support in Australia, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In Queensland, DVConnect Womensline is 1800 811 811.

DFV is often a pattern, not a single incident

Domestic and family violence is sometimes imagined as a single crisis point — one argument, one assault, one obvious moment where everything becomes clear.

But many people experiencing DFV are not living inside one isolated event. They are living inside a pattern.

1800RESPECT describes domestic and family violence as a repeated pattern of behaviour where one person in a relationship hurts another or makes them feel unsafe. It also makes clear that abuse does not have to be physical to be domestic or family violence.

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare describes family and domestic violence as behaviours that cause, or intend to cause, fear or harm. This can include threats, assault, abuse, neglect or harassment, often as part of an ongoing pattern.

The incident may be what other people notice.

The pattern is often what the person has been living inside.

That pattern can make everyday decisions feel unsafe:

• Who can I speak to?
• Is my phone being checked?
• What will happen if I spend money?
• What will happen if I say no?
• What will happen to the children?
• Where could I go?
• Who will believe me?
• What if seeking help makes things worse?

This is why context matters. Without context, support can miss the actual risk. It can also miss the person’s strengths, choices, fears, responsibilities and possible next steps.

What the Australian data tells us

Domestic and family violence is a major health, welfare and social issue in Australia.

The Australian Bureau of Statistics Personal Safety Survey 2021–22 reported that an estimated 8 million Australians, or 41%, had experienced physical and/or sexual violence since the age of 15.

When looking specifically at intimate partner and family member violence, the same ABS release reported:

• 1 in 4 women, or 27%, had experienced violence by an intimate partner or family member since age 15.
• 1 in 8 men, or 12%, had experienced violence by an intimate partner or family member since age 15.
• 1 in 6 women, or 17%, had experienced cohabiting partner violence.
• 1 in 4 women, or 23%, had experienced cohabiting partner emotional abuse.
• 1 in 6 women, or 16%, had experienced cohabiting partner economic abuse.
• 1 in 5 women, or 20%, had experienced stalking.

AIHW’s family and domestic violence reporting, drawing on the same ABS Personal Safety Survey, states that 1 in 5 adults, or 20%, have experienced family and domestic violence since age 15. AIHW reports that this is more common among women than men: over 1 in 4 women, or 27%, and over 1 in 8 men, or 12%.

These statistics matter. They show that DFV is not rare. They also show that DFV is gendered in important ways, particularly in violence against women and children.

But the data also reminds us not to flatten people into categories.

DFV can affect women, men, children, older people, people with disability, LGBTQIA+ people, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, people from culturally and linguistically diverse communities, carers, family members and people in many different kinds of relationships.

A person is never just a statistic.

The number helps us see the scale. The context helps us see the person.

DFV can be gendered and still require careful context

It is important to say two things clearly at the same time.

First, Australian data shows that domestic and family violence is strongly gendered. Women are more likely to experience violence from an intimate partner or family member, and men are more commonly identified as perpetrators of many forms of violence.

AIHW’s “Who uses violence?” page reports that, based on the 2021–22 Personal Safety Survey, more people had experienced violence by a male perpetrator — 38%, or 7.5 million people aged 18 years and over — than by a female perpetrator — 11%, or 2.2 million people.

AIHW also reports that, in 2023–24 recorded police offender data, most family and domestic violence offenders were male.

Second, women can also use violence.

That matters because safe, ethical support needs to understand what is happening in the actual relationship or family context. Violence can be used by people of any gender. It can occur in intimate partner relationships, family relationships, care relationships and other household or kinship contexts.

At the same time, context is essential. Not all violent or forceful behaviour has the same pattern, purpose, impact or risk. Some behaviours may occur within a broader pattern of coercive control. Some may be reactive. Some may be linked to self-protection, fear, trauma, substance use, mental health, adolescent family violence, or complex family dynamics. None of that removes the need for safety or accountability. It simply means the response needs to be careful, informed and not based on assumptions alone.

AIHW notes that national data on the extent of violence perpetration in Australia remains limited, and that research into women who use force highlights differences in motivation, intent and impact.

This is where a context-led approach matters.

Support should not minimise violence because of who is using it.

Support should also not ignore the wider pattern, power dynamics, risk, fear, impact, history and safety needs around it.

Coercive control: the context around the incident

Coercive control is central to modern Australian understandings of domestic and family violence.

AIHW describes coercive control as a pattern of controlling behaviour used by a perpetrator to establish and maintain control over another person. It can deprive a person of liberty, autonomy and agency.

1800RESPECT describes coercive control as an underpinning dynamic of family and domestic violence, where patterns of abusive behaviour over time create fear and deny liberty and autonomy.

In plain language, coercive control can make ordinary life feel monitored, restricted or unsafe.

It may involve:

• controlling who someone can see or speak to
• isolating someone from friends, family or community
• monitoring phones, messages, location or online activity
• controlling money, work, transport or documents
• using threats, intimidation or humiliation
• making someone doubt their memory, judgement or mental health
• using children, pets, family members or systems as leverage
• restricting culture, religion, health care, medication or support
• making someone feel there will be consequences if they ask for help

Coercive control is often the context around the incident.

It can make ordinary choices — who to speak to, where to go, how money is used, whether to ask for help — feel unsafe or impossible.

In Queensland, this context has also become part of the legal landscape. Queensland Government public guidance states that from 26 May 2025, coercive control is a criminal offence in Queensland. AIHW’s coercive control page also identifies Queensland as having criminalised coercive control from that date.

This article is not legal advice. But it is important for people in Queensland to know that coercive control is being recognised more clearly in law, policy and practice.

If someone is unsure about legal options, support can include speaking with a specialist DFV service, Legal Aid Queensland, Queensland Police Service, or the Queensland Government’s “Need to know” DFV resources when it is safe to do so.

Financial abuse is part of safety

Safety is not only physical.

Sometimes the next step depends on money.

ABS data shows that 1 in 6 women, or 16%, and 1 in 13 men, or 7.8%, had experienced cohabiting partner economic abuse.

Economic or financial abuse can include controlling access to money, taking someone’s income, preventing someone from working, creating debt, withholding essentials, damaging property, controlling bank accounts, or making it difficult for someone to leave safely.

This matters because people are sometimes judged for not leaving without enough attention to what leaving may involve.

A person may be thinking about:

• rent or mortgage payments
• where children will sleep
• access to bank accounts
• Centrelink or income support
• debt
• transport
• work and leave
• childcare
• legal costs
• pets
• documents
• medication
• phone access
• whether the other person will find them

Without that context, support can become another pressure.

With that context, support can become more practical, safer and more dignified.

Technology-facilitated abuse is no longer separate from DFV

For many people, technology is part of the safety picture.

The eSafety Commissioner explains that domestic, family and sexual violence can include things that happen online or use digital technology. Technology-facilitated abuse can include monitoring, tracking, harassment, image-based abuse, threats, impersonation, account access, spyware, location tracking and repeated unwanted contact.

The eSafety page reviewed for this article noted that 99.3% of Australian family, domestic and sexual violence practitioners had clients who experienced technology-facilitated family and domestic violence. It also noted that practitioners have reported seeing more video cameras and tracking apps being used since 2015.

If someone is being monitored, even searching for help can carry risk.

That is why advice about “just call someone” or “just look it up” may not be safe for everyone.

If you think your phone, computer, car, accounts or location may be monitored, eSafety advises that it may be safer to contact support from a trusted person’s phone or device.

Safe support may need to include digital safety planning — not just emotional support.

Children, parenting and family complexity matter

DFV does not sit neatly in one part of life.

It can follow people into parenting, sleep, school, work, money, housing, family relationships and the way children understand safety.

AIHW reports that 12%, or 2.2 million people, witnessed partner violence against their mothers when they were children, based on the 2021–22 Personal Safety Survey.

Children may be directly harmed, threatened, used in control, exposed to fear, drawn into conflict, affected by housing instability, or impacted by changes in caregiving and routine. Parents may be trying to protect children while also navigating fear, court processes, money, school, family pressure, trauma responses and the practical realities of daily life.

This does not mean parents experiencing DFV are failing.

It means the context is wider than one person’s emotional response.

A whole-person and whole-family lens asks:

• What has happened?
• What is happening around the person and family?
• What risks need to be held carefully?
• What strengths and supports are already present?
• What practical next step may help?

That is the heart of context-led support.

Why “just leave” is not enough

For some people, leaving may be part of safety.

For others, leaving may increase risk if it is not planned carefully.

For many, the question is not simply “Why don’t they leave?”

The better question is:

What is happening around this person that shapes what is safe, possible and realistic right now?

That may include:

• fear of escalation
• threats to children, pets, family or self
• housing stress
• financial control
• visa or migration concerns
• disability support needs
• access to transport
• technology monitoring
• cultural or community pressure
• shame or fear of not being believed
• previous negative service experiences
• legal or court stress
• mental health impacts
• trauma responses
• substance use in the family system
• caring responsibilities
• rural or regional access barriers

Support should not make people prove they are broken enough to be helped.

Support should begin with dignity.

Support pathways: local, Queensland and specialist options

Safe change does not usually happen through one service alone.

For some people, the right next step is specialist DFV support. For others, it may be legal information, police support, housing support, technology safety planning, counselling, behaviour-change support, child and family support, or a combination of pathways.

Regather works collaboratively with specialist DFV-funded services and related support pathways. The goal is not to replace specialist services, but to help strengthen safer pathways around the person and family.

Emergency help

If you or someone else is in immediate danger in Australia, call 000.

1800RESPECT

1800RESPECT provides national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling, information and support. It can be a useful pathway for people experiencing violence, people supporting someone else, and professionals seeking guidance.

Website: https://1800respect.org.au/
Phone: 1800 737 732

DVConnect — Queensland pathways to safety

DVConnect helps Queenslanders find pathways to safety away from domestic, family and sexual violence.

DVConnect Womensline supports people in Queensland experiencing domestic and family violence, including support around safety and shelter pathways.

DVConnect Mensline supports men who are using, or experiencing, abuse in intimate partner, ex-partner or family relationships. It can also provide referrals to specialist behavioural change programs.

Website: https://www.dvconnect.org/
Womensline: 1800 811 811
Mensline: 1800 600 636

Edon Place — Bundaberg and North Burnett specialist DFV support

Edon Place is a not-for-profit community based organisation providing specialist domestic and family violence support services in the Bundaberg and North Burnett regions.

Services identified through Edon Place include:

• children’s counselling and support services
• women’s counselling and support services
• court-based services
• home security safety upgrades
• perpetrator intervention program
• mobile support services
• temporary supported accommodation
• North Burnett domestic and family violence counselling and support
• women’s health and wellbeing support
• local service system support and community education

Website: https://www.edonplace.org.au/

Behaviour change and accountability pathways

Where a person is using violence, safety also requires accountability and change.

Specialist behaviour-change services are designed to work with people who use violence, while keeping the safety of victim-survivors and children central.

Possible pathways include:

• DVConnect Mensline, which can support men who are using or experiencing abuse and provide referrals to specialist behaviour-change programs.
• SPEAQ, the professional network for specialist DFV behaviour-change intervention practitioners in Queensland.
• MensLine Australia — Changing for Good, a telephone counselling service for men who want to maintain respectful relationships and change behaviours.
• Local specialist programs, where available, including perpetrator intervention programs connected to specialist DFV services.

The important point is that behaviour change is not simply a promise. It usually requires specialist support, accountability, time and a clear focus on safety.

Technology safety support

Technology safety may be part of DFV support.

The eSafety Commissioner provides information about domestic, family and sexual violence involving digital technology, including practical online safety guidance.

Website: https://www.esafety.gov.au/key-topics/domestic-family-violence

WESNET — Women’s Services Network also provides specialist knowledge around technology safety and domestic and family violence.

Website: https://wesnet.org.au/

Legal and police options — without overcomplicating the first step

Some people may need legal or police pathways. Some may not be ready or safe to use them yet.

Options can include:

• calling 000 in an emergency
• speaking with Queensland Police Service about DFV reporting options
• seeking information about protection orders through Queensland Government or Queensland Courts resources
• contacting Legal Aid Queensland for legal information and advice options
• speaking with a specialist DFV service before taking action, especially if safety planning is needed

This article is not legal advice. The key message is that legal options exist, but the safest next step may depend on the person’s context.

Where Regather fits

Regather is a DFV-aware and trauma-informed service.

Our team has experience working alongside the complexities and impacts of domestic and family violence. We understand that DFV can affect safety, relationships, parenting, housing, mental health, work, identity, support systems, confidence and the ability to feel heard.

Regather does not replace emergency, crisis, legal, police, housing or specialist DFV services where those are required.

Our role is to provide support that is compassionate, evidence-based and grounded in safety, dignity and understanding.

We take time to understand:

• what has happened
• what is happening around the person
• what support is already involved
• what risks need to be held carefully
• what choices and barriers are present
• what next safe and practical step may help

Sometimes that next step may involve a specialist DFV referral.

Sometimes it may involve helping someone make sense of the wider context.

Sometimes it may involve working alongside other services so the person does not have to keep repeating their story without feeling heard.

Support should see the whole person — not just the risk, the referral, the form, or the presenting issue.

Safe change takes time

Safe change can take time.

It can take support, accountability, connection, specialist knowledge, practical planning and informed choice.

It can involve many small steps rather than one obvious answer.

At Regather, our commitment is to make every attempt to provide quality supports that promote safety, empowerment and informed choice.

Because context changes everything.

And because every person deserves support that begins with dignity.

Feel heard. Feel grounded in safety. Find the next step.